Experiencing Kidney Envy

When you’re in a mall, or walking down the street, or in your car, etc., sometimes you see others and you think “wow, I love those shoes” or “that guy’s driving a hot car!”

I think about how lucky that person is to not have to dialyze.

One thing in me says that I shouldn’t complain. In fact, I should be thankful. I should be thankful that I actually have the capacity to dialyze myself at home. I should be thankful that I was born and live in a country where dialysis and good healthcare is actually readily available. I should be happy I’m alive.

And I am. I happy about all of that. But I’m not 100% happy. I have a lot, but I want more. Much more. Where would my life be if I had never suffered from kidney disease or lupus in the first place? Would I be much better off? Would I be done school and working the job of my dreams? What I have taken this path and made the decisions in life that I did?

I also wonder if I’d have the same friends that I have now. Would I be married? Would I be living on my own? Where would I be?

These are questions that I’ll obviously never know that answer to because that was not meant to be for my life. But it doesn’t stop me from wondering. It makes me wonder why some people only have to wait a couple of years for a kidney and I’ll have to wait a total of like 10 years.

But, I don’t even want to have to get a kidney. I want MY kidneys to work like they’re supposed to. I don’t want to be on immunosuppresants for the rest of my life. I don’t want to worry about dialyzing myself. I don’t want to spend 30-45 minutes setting up my machine before going to bed, and taking that same amount of time in the morning to disconnect myself and disinfect my machine before going on about my business.

It’s 6:30 in the morning. I didn’t dialyze last night because I start work at 8am today. But this is what was on my mind, and I had to say it. I’m sorry if it sounds whiny, or if I sound like a cry baby or whatever the case may be…but it’s just how I feel.