It’s not them…it’s me?

I’ve been struggling with something for a very long time. It hurts me to even talk about it. But I feel like I kind of need to just let it out.

As years pass and people grow and change, it’s only natural that some of the friendships established will dwindle. But…what about the people who are still around you? What about the people who were like your best friends previously…and even when you try to reach out it just doesn’t work?

I have so many situations/scenarios like this that I’ve come to the conclusion that there must be something about me that is making people shy away from me.

I honestly and truly don’t think that I’m a bad person. I try to be nice to others unless they give me a specific reason not to.

There’s this one person that I used to work with. He’s a beautiful soul and I loved him as a friend very much. He was always there for me when I was down and out. He’d always call or text or facebook…anything just to keep in touch. In fact, when I was lying down in the emergency room waiting to be wheeled into emergency stomach surgery that day…his number was the 2nd number I dialed, 2nd only to my sister. When I was out of the hospital, he came to my house frequently to visit. Recently, the emails stopped. The texts stopped. I tried calling. I tried emailing. I tried texting. Nothing. I don’t know why.

There’s this other person that I went to college with. She’s a delightful person and she made the already amazingly fun college year even better. She’s always go out of her way to pick me up and drive me places…just so we could hang out. She once took me out to an amazing Italian restaurant for my birthday. She may not even know it, but she helped me learn a lot about myself. She taught me many things…the most important being a realization of who I was and who I wanted to be versus who I didn’t want to be. I’ve sent her messages. Tried to find out what’s going on in her life. Nothing. I don’t know why.

There’s this other person that I went to high school with. She’s amazingly smart and nice as well. In fact, she and I even went on vacation together. We went to the Dominican Republic. It was my first trip without my parents. When she got her car, she’d drive me back and forth from school to home. We’d roll down the windows and scream/sing the song “I want it that way” by the backstreet boys, finding joy not only in being young and not caring how foolish we looked, but finding joy in the smiles of those in the cars around us, looking and pointing as we thrashed around in the car while stopped at a red light. I haven’t gotten her to return a message in about 1.5-2 years.

There was one person that I met several years ago. We met and we hung out. I liked this person a lot. He also taught me a thing or two about myself. The thought of him made me smile and I’m sure the thought of me did the same for him. Everything about him was perfect. He made me feel secure. He made me feel like a princess. He made me feel like the only other person on this earth. And then, all off a sudden, it wasn’t that way anymore…and a wall built up between us…a distance. I don’t know why. While in this fairy tale, I didn’t know that the parting hug we shared would be the last of it’s kind between us. Nothing wrong or bad had happened…it just…happened. I am unsure, but I think he now makes someone else feel the way that I felt when he and I were together.

Someone who I would consider one of my very best friends still hasn’t called/emailed to wish me a happy birthday. My birthday was 15 days ago.

I’m not sure what it is. But one thing is certain.

It all makes me sad.