I feel like I write a lot of “just one of those days” posts.
My day was fine. I went to work today. Work was fine. Then, I went to school. School was also fine. Then, I came home. I was fine.
I sat in bed and looked to the right. I saw my dialysis machine. I could feel the tears building up in my eyes.
I see my machine everyday. In fact, I sometimes feel happy to see it, knowing that I do not have to go to the hospital frequently just to do dialysis. Other times, like today, I’m like…why do I even have to think this to myself? Why do I even have to be “happy” about not going to the hospital?
Most days, I’m ok. Other days, it’s like…Im here, going to school and working part time, just trying to get by. Everyone else I know in school is doing that too…but they’re not dealing with endless boxes of dialysis supplies, dialysis, doctor’s appointments, kidney pagers, etc.
I’m sorry, but the whole thing just sucks sometimes.
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I think those of us with Lupus, work so hard to be strong & strive to be "normal" that in order for us to continue day in and day out, we all have what I call "Break down" or "Maintenance" days. We wake up, & we are so physically & emotionally drained from not letting Lupus take who we are that if I stop for too long & think, I have tears well up. Then for me at least, once the tears well up, the flood gates open. One thing I find, is that its a cleansing of sorts. All the frustration that builds up washes away temporarily with the tears, & I have some peace again for a bit. I am mad at what Lupus does to me, however I LOVE the person I have become from it. I see things in a beautiful new way, so there is something positive that come from something terrible like Lupus.
Hang in there girl! What Lupus didn't realize is how tough we are!
Oh My...are you describing yourself or ME??! Everything you said is so true. Comments like yours are why I made this blog-in order to let others know that other people think how they think, feel like they feel, cry like they cry, conquer like they conquer.
Thanks for reminding me that it's ok to just let go and cryyyy sometimes!
I love your comment. LOVE IT!