When I first started this blog, I never imagined it would turn into something that would help so many others or that so many people would identify with. I just wanted to create a medium where I could express my thoughts and experiences about lupus and the things that come along with it. When I came up with the title of my blog…it just couldn’t have been more perfect. My blog became less of a “lupus” blog and more of a blog geared towards the actual title of my blog-the LIFE of a 20, now 30 something with lupus.
I’ve been a bit out of sorts for the last few weeks. There have been a number of things going on and happening around me, and it has taken a lot out of me emotionally.
I already mentioned last week that I was upset about what had happened with regards to my appointment with the plastic surg clinic. It just seems so easy to me-fix the mistake that you have made. But apparently it simply isn’t that simple. Either by some miracle, OHIP decides to cover my surgery, I have to come up with the thousands of dollars that the surgery will cost, or I just have to live with the permanent mistake made by someone else.
Secondly, I’ve finished school, I wrote the HR exam, and I’m ready to move on to bigger and better things. It has been exceedingly difficult to do so. I’ve been applying like crazy to the few suitable jobs that I’ve seen, but have only gotten one interview so far. It’s difficult when I know that for each job I apply for, there are literally over a hundred other people who have applied for the same position and have much more experience than I do. Many of the jobs that I’ve seen require all kinds of experience, even for what appears to be an entry level position. I can’t even manage to get one of these positions so that I can get the appropriate experience…because I don’t have that appropriate experience in the first place. It’s difficult for me because I worked so hard to get to where I am..juggling home hemo while going to school full time and working part time was no small feat I tell you. Pile studying for the nke on top of that..that was major. Let us not forget the days in between when I was either sick or had to sprinkle doctor’s appointments in between as well. But at the end, I did it. I finished. But..I’m still where I was before I started, working for a great company, but doing something that I really don’t want to do (anymore). It’s frustrating.
In previous posts, I had mentioned that I was seeing someone. Well, I’m no longer seeing him. I wish I could sit here and explain why, but I can’t, because I don’t know. We just kind of went from good to nothing at all.
Again, as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been pretty candid about my past struggles. I’ve talked about my time at Sick Kids and the seizures I’ve had, the time that I lost my ability to walk/use my arms for a while, my numerous surgeries, etc. It most definitely has not been easy. In fact, it has been down right difficult. I’ve been upset over these situations. I’ve cried over them. So with all that I’ve experienced, all that I’ve seen, and all that I’ve felt, at the end of the day, it always seems like matters of the heart hurt me and affect me the most.
There isn’t much that I can say about him that’s bad. The time we spent together was great, and it made the last bit of my summer as well as the beginning of my fall amazingly happy and filled with fun and laughs.
Dealing with lupus and the things that came along with it where I am concerned has been much easier since having the transplant. Most days I feel great, and simply taking my medication once a day is much better than twice a day coupled with dialysis. Before the transplant, I simply wasn’t ready to bring anyone into my life. It was a lot for ME to deal with, never mind bringing someone brand new into it. But after the transplant, not only did I feel great, but I felt ready. But with the amount of time that had passed since my last involvement with someone..it almost felt/feels brand new to me. So when that first person who’s company you really enjoy comes along, who accepts you and all of your “stuff”..suddenly fades away, it hurts. So much.
I regret nothing, because the time we shared was absolutely amazing, and I felt a different kind of “happy” that I haven’t felt in a long time. I was experiencing an amazing high, and I never wanted to come down..and it stinks that I’ve had to.
All three of these things have weighed heavily on my mind. I know it’s not the end of the world. Things can and will change, progress will be made in some way, shape, or form. But as I blink away my tears while I type, and reflect upon everything I’ve said above, all I can think is that right here, right now…sucks.