The tears haven’t stopped, but they flow less frequently. The hurting hasn’t stopped, but I’m managing to find joy in things all over again.
The tears haven’t stopped, but they flow less frequently. The hurting hasn’t stopped, but I’m managing to find joy in things all over again.
It’s a good thing to talk. Talk about stuff.
I go back and forth when it comes to the above statement. Sometimes…I don’t want to talk about stuff, because I know, mid story, it’ll make my cry. At the same time, if I don’t, the tears that need to be “cried” simply remain inside. That’s not good either.
This weekend was one of catching up with friends-good ones.
On Friday evening, it was date night with my close friend and confidant, Mikey. Mikey and I have known each other and immediately connected as friends soon after we met each other back at our first job in a ritzy Italian grocery store. He was 14 and I was 16. Mikey is one of those friends that I can tell absolutely anything and everything. My most embarrassing of stories, even my secret embarrassments..nothing is too embarrassing for me to tell Mike. What I also like about our relationship is the way it has evolved. Back then, we were kids with not a worry in the world. We spent most of our waking moments together, whether it was going to the movies, out to dinner/dessert, or just aimlessly driving through the streets without a destination or a care in the world. Now, we’re adults. We have responsibilities, and oftentimes these responsibilities prevent us from getting together as regularly as we did. In spite of this, what I do know is that things will be exactly as they were when we last saw each other, regardless of how many hours, days, or months have passed.
Anyhow, Mikey came by to pick me up so we could go and do one of the many things we enjoy doing together- grabbing some dessert. I wouldn’t believe the following story if I hadn’t been there-as we drove down the street, did we NOT see the car of the gentleman I was dating and have been whining about these last few posts driving almost right beside us??
“That’s his car!!” I yelled at Michael. He, rightfully so, instantly thought I was crazy. Yes Flo, that car, which looks like a million other cars, just so happens to be HIS car? I didn’t have my glasses on, but I could see some distinct characteristics which lead me to believe that this was, in fact, HIS car. The back of the vehicle was damaged from a previous fender bender. The license plate wasn’t one from my city-it was from another city from another province…just like HIS.
We both got caught at a red light. There was another car between us, but it was clear it was him. I noticed he had a passenger. I’ll admit it-I went mad for a moment and contemplated jumping out of the car, opening the passenger door of his car, dragging the occupant out, and spreading her across the street like jelly on toast. “Relax, it’s a guy” Mikey told me. Even if it wasn’t…I really had no jurisdiction to attack his passenger. But, I won’t lie-the thought went through my mind. Since HIS car was on Mikey/the driver’s side, I turned my head to look out the passenger window in an attempt to not look “obvious”. I say this because as I noticed the vehicle and told Mike, we certainly did…adjust our speed to get a closer look. Very obvious indeed.
Anyhow, we went our separate ways and headed off to enjoy our dessert. What I enjoyed about talking to Mikey is the fact that he gives my advice based on his own experiences. He relayed advice of his own, as well as advice given to him from others when he needed it. I was tired that night, but was sad when the night ended, as I could have stayed there and chatted with Mikey for hours.
Last night, myself and my friend Sadia met up for dinner, dessert, and, of course, debriefing. She also another amazing person to speak to because her experiences and thoughts have been similar to mine, but in a different way than they are with Mikey. See, Sadi and I met in the hospital system, as we both had kidney issues and both eventually received kidney transplants. She knows what it’s like to go through these emotions, especially with the health aspect attached to it. Since meeting, we’ve gone on many adventures throughout the city as well. Again, one of my favourite things to do. Trying new restaurants and just “hanging out” is something I really enjoy doing with Sadi. She’s also someone that I can share my inner most secrets with-and trust me-there are few people I can do that with.
She also gave me some perspective based on her own experiences. In a previous post, I talked about wishing that I was the woman I was a number of years back-I was “tougher”, “stronger”, and “less willing to put up with shit”. There was one factor that I didn’t consider that Sadi brought to my attention: Prednisone.
Prednisone is a medication I’ve spoken about before. It’s an evil drug side-effect wise, but works well to control my lupus symptoms as well as minimize the chances of rejection of my kidney. But, that said, take a look at these side effects:
Being on a medication like this coupled with some of the low lows I’ve been feeling…it could very likely be an issue as well-one that should be explored.
It’s ok to be sad, but it’s also ok to reach out to those you love when you are feeling sad. This is still a concept that I’m struggling with, but I’m getting better.
I may have had one of those the other day.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I wear my emotions on my face-there’s no hiding. Sometimes, when emotions are low, I can fake it. I can smile, I can laugh, and I can make believe. Other times, when I’m REALLY upset about something, my facial expressions as well as my overall attitude changes.
I was at work the other day and was so upset. I’m so upset that I was lied to, hurt…deliberately, and that I’m so upset that I’m so upset.
Nobody is perfect. But, I do feel that some of these relationships that I shed so many tears about, and these relationships that upset me so bad that I can often go an entire day without eating, or an entire day without getting out of bed about…are often not even that great.
When I’m with these guys, they treat me well. They take care of me, they make me laugh. But, is it normal for someone to not text you back? Is it normal for someone to cancel plans on you at the last moment with no real reason? Is it normal for you to care so deeply for someone while they’re out there still searching for something you thought that the both of you already had?
One guy would simply not text or call me back when he said he would. He would often go days without messaging me. Once he went more than a week without messaging. And I took it.
Another guy, I knew he was out there, dating other girls, even though he had committed himself to me. Like…he wanted to do what he wanted to do, but didn’t want me out there meeting other people. Sometimes he would avoid or ignore me for a few hours a day. He would admit it sometimes-he’d say he was just having a bad day, or he was down, or depressed. I’d take it.
What is it about my self worth that I continue to accept bullshit like that? Why am I so afraid to speak up?
Well, someone figured it out for me the other day. I kind of knew…in the back of my head. But the fact that someone ELSE could read me like that caused me to immediately break down into tears.
What is it about me/my self worth that I feel I have to put up with garbage? Well, it’s because I, quite frankly, feel damaged.
I’m a woman with a chronic illness. I thank God for the blessing I received in terms of having received a kidney transplant, but that by no means is a “cure” or anything-it’s a treatment. There have been times that I’ve been admitted to the hospital for days, sometimes weeks. There have been times where I have been so tired that I could barely CRAWL from my bed to my washroom/en suite. Yes, I have a bathroom right in my bedroom that is barely one step away from my bed. Sometimes it’s hard. I’m a woman whose body has been marred by the knives of surgeons, with one major scar being from my kidney transplant, and other scars from my perforated bowel. I feel much better about the latter scar now that it has been revised. But, no amount of plastic surgery/scar revision surgery can “fix”. It can make you feel better about yourself-sure…but it can’t “fix” you.
That said, when I find a guy, a half decent guy, who is willing to give me the time of day after I have told him just a fraction of the things that are “wrong” with me and he doesn’t run in the other direction…I had better hold on for dear life. I feel so “damaged” that I perhaps don’t feel like I have the…”right” to comment about how I’m being treated, or what you did to make me mad/upset. I feel like crying 3 out of 7 days of the week over my wonderful relationship, while not normal, is just what I have to do if I don’t want this guy to leave me.
I’m still..so sad. Rejection kills me, especially since I try SO hard to NOT be rejected, and perhaps it is in that “trying” that is causing these “rejections” in the first place. This last situation in particular really did a number on me. It hurts to be told that you are loved, and let’s get a place together…to have a discussion about your future kids, hell, to even be asked if you were willing to move across the country, as a job opportunity for him came up. Guess what? I thought long and hard about it…and was actually considering it.
I went to a wedding this past weekend, He was supposed to be my date. I can’t tell you how overwhelming…sad I was. There was an empty seat at my table-it was for him. It was so humiliating for me to have RSVP’d as just one, then contact the bride to ask if it was ok to bring a date…then just a few weeks before the wedding, contact the bride AGAIN to tell her to remove my previous RSVP, and that I was coming alone. My two boys at my table, especially Matt, said the nicest things to me as he knew that I was feeling extremely low. Everything he said was just…right. He told me how I had impacted HIS life by helping him “come out of his shell” and be less shy, especially on the dancefloor. He told me what an amazing person I am, and how hot I looked that night. In fact, it got overwhelming and I had to excuse myself to go to the restroom to ball my eyes out-both at his sweetness and at my sadness. In the end, I still had a great night-the venue was beautiful…but I couldn’t help but wonder how much…MORE amazing my night would have been if he was at my side.
What an idiot.
I don’t know what to do in order to try and…attract the right person. I avoided dating for so long-nearly 9 years, because I didn’t feel I was ready to devote myself to someone else. After that period ended and I was all healed from my kidney transplant, I felt ready. I felt comfortable.
Why does it have to be so…hard?
I only just logged onto my blog today and saw all of the wonderful comments that were left on my last post. They honestly made me cry, and I really appreciate the fact that there are people out there, strangers in fact, who care so much that they would leave such kind comments. I really appreciate each of them. I also apologize for the recent collection of “not-so-uplifting” posts.
I suffered another setback. The gentleman that I was dating, as of last night/this morning, is no longer mine.
We had a beautiful dinner that he prepared while I performed sous chef duties. We watched a movie over dinner as time quickly passed. Before we knew it, it was almost 10:30pm. That was normally bedtime, as he has about an hour+ drive just to get to work in the morning. I had been feeling distance between us on and off, and I knew something was wrong. We were supposed to hang out this weekend, but he said he wasn’t feeling well. I knew that wasn’t true. I later learned that he just wanted to be at home..by himself…because he was down, and because he was scared.
I knew that he too was going through struggles as it relates to his career, family..life in general. I met him on a dating website online about 2 months ago. We had talked about removing our dating profiles a couple of times after we had dated for a while and figured out that we liked each other. But, I had noticed that he had never removed his profile…and in fact, signed into it quite frequently.
I asked him about it for the third time yesterday. He finally told me the truth-he wasn’t ready.
I was confused, as he was the one who pursued me, asked me out and continued to do so even though I blew him off a bit. He was the one who said he wanted to be in a relationship with me. He was the one who said he wanted us to move in together. He was the one who said he wanted us to go on vacation together in November. He was the one who talked about meeting my parents sooner rather than later. He was the one who caught me off guard when he used the “L” word as we dined by candlelight at a lovely quiet restaurant late one evening. He told me that he was a liar, and didn’t mean those things. He told me that he was a bad person, and he didn’t know why he did the things he did. I know that his experiences in the past with women haven’t been favourable ones, and he explained his fear to me as relates to commitment.
I knew his struggles-his ups and downs. His past unfavourable relationships, his “cons”. And still, I was wanting and willing to be there for him as he had been there for me. He would tell me that I was too good for him, and that I was too good for him. At first I thought it was cute, but as he continued to say it every so often, it troubled me.
As I layed there in bed, my head still on his shoulder in complete darkness, I cried quietly so he wouldn’t hear. I didn’t know what to say or do. I thought of getting up and going home, but it would be a long trek for me-at least 30 minutes by cab, or an hour and a half by public transit. I wondered, again, why me? What is so terrible about me that relationship after relationship ends in the same (or similar) way? Commitment issues? I decided that I would just stay until the morning, and let him take me home. We shared a few words, as he tried to talk to me, make jokes, etc as we drove down the highway. I didn’t say much. I was stuck on the fact that his passenger side seatbelt smelled like women’s perfume- perfume that wasn’t mine.
It was what I read in his dating profile in the first place that attracted me to him. He spoke about being tired of being in relationships where he was the only one trying. He spoke about looking for someone who could share everything with, which would hopefully result in a long term relationship. Did he lie about that too? Did I “fall for it”?
Honestly-where did I go wrong?
..this sucks. Like…why me? This. Sucks.
I wish the “me” of 10 years ago could have a conversation with the “me” of today.
Nearly two years ago I blogged about some struggles I was going through. I talked about what was making me sad at the time as it relates to my health, my physical appearance, and my heart. If you haven’t read it, here it is-“Back Luck Comes in Threes?”.
I read back on that entry today. In fact, I read it at least a few times a year.
I talked about how upset I was with my appointment at the plastic surgeon’s office. Let me be 100% clear-I was wronged. I was left with a horrendous scar because of the negligence of hospital staff. In spite of this, they didn’t want to help me. Nobody wanted to help me. I appealed to the plastic surgeon and was told that because this was strictly cosmetic and not “medically necessary”, it wouldn’t be covered by the government and I would end up paying out of pocket. I appealed to patient relations-I was also told that they would not be assisting me, and maybe I should consider getting psychiatric help to deal with my body issues. In the end, I found a plastic surgeon who charged me much less than I had expected, and I was “fixed”. Am I 1,000% happy with the results? Yes-based on what we were working with, the improvement is phenomenal. Am I happy that I had to go through this in the first place? No. I often wonder how things would have turned out if I had stayed at TGH and didn’t go home, then head to TWH the following day. Would this same mistake have been made? Perhaps this is the way things were meant to be-maybe if I had stayed at TGH something far worse would have happened to me. A blessing in disguise I suppose…disguised as a once grotesque, now acceptable vertical line scar below my belly button.
My struggles as far as my career haven’t changed much. I’m still working in the same role that I was in two years ago, and I’m definitely more frustrated now than I was then. Being in school full time, home dialysis, lupus, and multiple doctor’s appointments? Guess what-NOT EASY. I busted my tail just to keep up. On top of that, I never was, nor will I ever be, good with the “middle of the pack”. I had to either be at the top or very close to it. My refusal to just be “ok” of course made things difficult. Couple regular course work with studying for the NKE with everything else? Dang-crazy. My argument is this-I’ve worked hard to pass the NKE, go back to school, finish it with Deans List honours and academic awards to boot…and yet, no one wants to hire me.
Lucky for me, a company did take me on as an intern in an HR capacity, so there is progress. It’s still a bit difficult for me since I’m still not exactly where I want to be, nor do I feel like I’m progressing…fast enough, but still, I’m further now than I was two years ago.
A funny thing happened. In the above post, I spoke about a guy I was dating. Let me tell you-this guy was MADE for me. Nobody could tell me NOTHING about him. He was cute, funny, charming, easy to talk to, easy to listen to…and most importantly, I just felt great when I was around him. Butterflies in my stomach were on 10 out of 10 every time I’d hear the special ringtone or text tone I had set special for him. I cared for him more deeply than I’ve cared for anyone in a long time. I hadn’t made an effort to get really close to anyone while I was dealing with dialysis, so meeting and hanging out with this guy made me feel so…brand new. We had an amazing and hilarious time together every single time.
Then, he left. He disappeared.
I had no idea what happened to him or why. He just…disappeared. I called, I emailed, I texted. Nothing. I didn’t know what to do, but I know how I felt. I felt like a piece of shit. How could I be so blind? Was there something in our relationship that I didn’t see? What was I missing? Why did he just up and leave me like that? Then ignore me?
I can’t even begin to describe how sad I was. I blamed myself. I went over every conversation we had in my mind with a fine tooth comb, thinking of all the things I should or shouldn’t have said. Heaven forbid someone should say something very simple and otherwise normal to me at that point in time-I would burst into tears. I was the definition of a basket case.
I never FULLY got over it. But then…a year later, he and I reconnected. We picked up where we left off, and everything was well in the world again. “Don’t do that to me again!” I exclaimed. “I won’t” he said happily.
Until..2 months later…he did the exact same thing. Again.
Fucking. Shattered. Even worse than before. And…so mad at myself. Mad that it happened again. I really believed things would be different this time-I really did with all of my heart.
They weren’t. What’s worse?
I prayed. I prayed for God to bring him back into my life because I simply could not see myself with anyone else. But that prayer fell on deaf ears.
He sent me a text to apologize. He can’t stop thinking about me. He wants to pick up where we left off. Again.
This is what I prayed for. I wanted him back. I was speechless because this isn’t want I thought would happen-I never expected to hear from him again. But I did. And here we were.
I took me a long time to really want to date again. I didn’t trust. In fact, I still have trouble. And yet, here I am, with him wanting to give it a go for a 3rd time.
I’m seeing someone else now. He makes me laugh, he has a good heart, he’s generous, and he gives good bear hugs.
In spite of the tears and disappointment, I will always hold him in my heart. I loved him. This is why it was so hard for me-I loved him SO much… and yet he was so easily able to walk away from me, never looking back. Even if I wasn’t dating someone…how can I go back to someone who admitted to me that he left me because of his own commitment issues? He said he has changed..do people change?
What I know is this-I’m sad. I’m sad that he left me like that in the first place, and I’m sad that I felt so…damaged after it happened.
I don’t know what the future holds, but right now I’m content with the gentleman that I’m with. We have a good time together and we both have a silly sense of humour. I think I’ll keep him for a while.
It’s crazy how things change, people change, and circumstances change. Who knows-maybe I’ll revisit this post again and I’ll have a job in HR and I’ll be announcing my engagement or something-who knows. I just hope that “luck”, if such a thing exists, gets a bit better for me moving forward.
The last number of weeks have been busy. Let me try and brief you on what’s going on:
Last month, I was successful in securing a part time, work from home HR Coordinator internship with a not-for profit organization. If you keep up with my blog, you’ll know that I have been a bit frustrated and at a loss as to what or how I should go about securing an HR role, with my main obstacle being my lack of experience. Thankfully, this company decided to take a chance on me and give me the opportunity to gain some valuable experience which I can put on my resume. This will hopefully help me in the future when it comes to getting a paid, full time role. So far so good- I really like it. There is a lot of research and learning involved, and I look forward to the next number of months of work with this organization. I am doing this internship in addition to my current/previous job at the bank.
Next, just 2 days ago was my father’s official last day on the force-he has finally retired! My dad has been on the force since 1978 and has accomplished such greatness in that time-the type of greatness that could take several lifetimes to achieve. His work in the community has helped bridge the gap between youth and the police-a relationship that can sometimes be strained due to preconceived notions about what “at-risk” youth OR the police are about. It makes me so happy to have such a positive, strong, and selfless man as my very own father. His retirement party is coming up in a couple of days and it’s going to be a big one for sure. After retirement, my dad will still work with the police, but in a chaplaincy capacity.
What a great man.
What a proud daughter.
If you follow me on instagram, you’ll likely already know that I went to Florida with my mom and dad in July. It was an absolute great time. We drove down in the RV. It was amazing for me, as this is the first time I’ve done something like this since the transplant. What a blessing to be able to do such a thing and not need to worry about coming up with hundreds, even thousands of dollars for dialysis, or worry about getting sick. I didn’t get sick once while we were in Florida, on our way there, or on our way home. Again, what a blessing. The only hiccup we experienced was an issue with our transmission on our way home. We were in Tennessee in the middle of the night when I was woken up by the sound of my mom yelling my name, telling me to “come come come!” The RV was full of smoke. It turns out there was a leak somewhere near the transmission so we were leaking oil…so essentially, we were driving this huge RV with no oil in it. We were lucky enough to have been towed to a great repair shop with lovely, honest mechanics who got us up and running in a little over a day. It was an adventure to say the least, and I actually look forward to going back to Tennessee to visit our new friends at the repair shop in the future.
One of the most important updates-I’m an aunt! My brother and his girlfriend brought my lovely niece, Mia, into the world exactly one month ago. She’s an absolute gem-I’ll share pictures in the near future! 🙂
That’s all for now I think!
Where did the summer go?? 😦
Let’s face it-the main topic of conversation for my blog is a topic that isn’t necessarily the happiest of topics to discuss. In spite of some of the horror stories I’ve shared, you’ll find that often times, I take a humorous approach to my stories. But why would you take a humorous approach to such a thing! This is serious! Well, there are a few answers to that. One, sometimes, some of the stories of things I’ve been through are so ludicrous that I actually find humour in them. Secondly…to me, at the end of the day, Lupus is something that I’m just going to have to deal with, and if I can’t laugh at myself sometimes…c’mon!
This is why I was happier than happy to get my hands on a copy of the book Prescription for Disaster, written by Candace Lafleur!
If you have a chronic illness or a loved one with a chronic illness, you will definitely identify with many of the topics Candace touches on. I couldn’t help but chuckle at some of her stories, as many took me back to times when I’ve went through similar things. Candace talks about being in the ward of a hospital and all the characters she has come across because of it. Screaming, complaining old lady? Yup-been there, done that! Dealing with student doctors? Hospital food? C’mon, if you’ve spent 5 minutes as an in-patient in a hospital, you’ve dealt with all of these things!
Now, what I really like about this book is the humorous approach that it takes. Yes, chronic (and acute, for that matter) illnesses are serious, they’re bad, they’re awful…yeah…we know. But if you’ve lived it and have experienced the things that come along with it, you’ll find that there is actually quite a bit of humour to be found in a lot of the situations we go through and experience. I talk a lot in my blog about doing your best to remain positive in spite of everything. To me, it’s SO important. That said, to me, this book is great for those who can find humour in some of these crazy things that happen, and also to those who perhaps have trouble looking past the negative side. This book will help you see that you’re not the only one that these crazy things happen to, and maybe if you looked at it in a different way, you might let loose a chortle which will perhaps lift your spirits a bit! 🙂
Check it out-you won’t be disappointed!
…nothing. Nadda. Ziltch.
Today was one of those days that were doomed from the get go.
I woke up today at the time I would normally wake up if I was gonna get up and go to work-5:45am-ish. I realized that my stomach was absolutely KILLING me. Why, you ask? One of the many benefits of being a woman-terrible, terrible CRAMPS.
Now, I discussed my awful cramps with my gynecologist when I went to see her last month. She suggested I take a small dose of naproxen to help with the pain. I did this last month, but my creatinine has been on a steady increase- my baseline is in the 90s (or 9.0ish) and has gone up to 120-ish (12.0ish). Not normal. Now, my transplant coordinator thought that me taking the naproxen might have had something to do with the sudden spike in my creatinine, but I disagree. It seems like my creatinine was on a steady increase ever since I stopped taking that horrid drug known as prednisone.
But, as usual, I digress. I woke up today with the thought that I would do some blood work today, but not so. I cancelled my blood work appointment at the local lab and decided that I would go on Thursday (the day after tomorrow) as my cramps seem to settle down after the first couple of days of my period have passed. So, I took one single OTC naproxen pill this morning. Let me tell you how that pain got up and left within 30 minutes. It was a thing of beauty.
Now, what’s the big deal with taking Naproxen, you say? Well, naproxen, along with advil, are NSAIDs, or non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs. NSAIDs and kidney issues don’t seem to go hand in hand. I think it might be because NSAIDs are metabolized in the kidney, whereas drugs like acetaminophen, or Tylenol, are metabolized in the liver. Now, the above paragraph may be completely made up and I’m still in the “I’m too lazy for this” mode, so I’m not really into doing too much research right now, but feel free to correct me if I’m totally wrong. The same goes for proofreading this post.
So, the whole point of me taking them was to take it sparingly. It has been well over 14 hours since I had taken one single pill and I still feel good in terms of my cramps. It’s crazy how the one drug that can very quickly and easily resolve this pain is not the “best” for me. And no, taking a Tylenol for cramps is not sufficient and is, in fact, an exercise in futility.
Oh, I was also a crying, dribbling mess today. Just because.
So first, let me get this out of the way.
When you have a chronic illness/are immunosuppressed (lupus/kidney transplant, for example), it is absolutely a good idea to get your pap smears on an annual basis. Do as I say and not as I do, with the “as I do” being that it has been about 4-5 years since my last pap.
Well, I had one just a few weeks ago.
So, why did it take me so freaking long to get another pap??! Good question! I’ll tell you.
Let me be clear when I say that my first 1-2 paps were the things nightmares are made of. They were the most uncomfortable experiences EVER. I prepared myself well before going to see my gyenecologist to have my first and second paps done. I did everything that google told me to do-I took a tylenol or two about 45 minutes-an hour before my appointment. I practiced taking deep and calm breaths in the waiting room before I got called in. I did all of that. But, once I got called in, dis-robed from the waist down, and put my feet into those stirrups, I was a ball of tense-ness, and all of the relaxation techniques I did in the waiting room did absolutely nothing for me.
And this was BEFORE the pap even started. Once it did start..man. I got as tense as tense can be. And some advice-don’t “get tense” while getting a pap. It’s definitely one of the things you don’t want to do. What should have lasted less than a minute lasted much longer through my screams and cries (so embarrassing). For my second pap, the doctor had to use the “mini callipers” to do my pap. Trust-it still hurt.
We’re not even going to get into how uncomfortable a transvaginal ultrasound is. Google it. I’m afraid that the pain and discomfort might come back if I blog about it.
Anyhow, fast forward to two weeks ago. After having to cancel and reschedule my appointments a couple of times due to my knee surgery, I finally made it to my appointment to have my pap done.
I checked in with the receptionist, sat down, and began to do the crossword in my free newspaper. Then, about 20 minutes later, it hit me. I hadn’t done ANY prep. No tylenol, no breathing exercises…nothing! I tossed my crossword aside in a panic and grabbed a tylenol from my purse and gobbled it down. Oh man, oh man…I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes..they’re going to call me any second…how could I forget to PREPARE MYSELF!!?
After about 10 minutes, I was called in to see the doctor before the doctor. She was a pleasant doctor, and made me feel at ease. We went over my history, and she asked me why it had been so long since my last pap. I was honest. “Searing pain” was my response. Welp, speaking of searing pain…time for your pap!
I got prepared and got into the stirrups. I felt more comfortable this time-I’m not sure why. When the doctor came back, she told me what she was doing as she did it, and reassured me throughout. This time, what google told me was true. I felt pressure. Not pain per se, just a bit of pressure. No where near the nightmare I remembered from years back. When it was all over in about a minute or less, I was actually surprised at myself. What the heck was MY problem the last few times?!?
My “doctor after the doctor” came to talk to me and reiterate the importance of having a pap done once a year due to my condition. Based on my most recent experience, I will have no problem in maintaining this schedule for the good of my health.
So that was my most recent experience with having had my pap smear.
The moral of this story is this; stop being a baby and go get your damned pap done. It’s important!