Nearly two years ago I blogged about some struggles I was going through. I talked about what was making me sad at the time as it relates to my health, my physical appearance, and my heart. If you haven’t read it, here it is-“Back Luck Comes in Threes?”.
I read back on that entry today. In fact, I read it at least a few times a year.
I talked about how upset I was with my appointment at the plastic surgeon’s office. Let me be 100% clear-I was wronged. I was left with a horrendous scar because of the negligence of hospital staff. In spite of this, they didn’t want to help me. Nobody wanted to help me. I appealed to the plastic surgeon and was told that because this was strictly cosmetic and not “medically necessary”, it wouldn’t be covered by the government and I would end up paying out of pocket. I appealed to patient relations-I was also told that they would not be assisting me, and maybe I should consider getting psychiatric help to deal with my body issues. In the end, I found a plastic surgeon who charged me much less than I had expected, and I was “fixed”. Am I 1,000% happy with the results? Yes-based on what we were working with, the improvement is phenomenal. Am I happy that I had to go through this in the first place? No. I often wonder how things would have turned out if I had stayed at TGH and didn’t go home, then head to TWH the following day. Would this same mistake have been made? Perhaps this is the way things were meant to be-maybe if I had stayed at TGH something far worse would have happened to me. A blessing in disguise I suppose…disguised as a once grotesque, now acceptable vertical line scar below my belly button.
My struggles as far as my career haven’t changed much. I’m still working in the same role that I was in two years ago, and I’m definitely more frustrated now than I was then. Being in school full time, home dialysis, lupus, and multiple doctor’s appointments? Guess what-NOT EASY. I busted my tail just to keep up. On top of that, I never was, nor will I ever be, good with the “middle of the pack”. I had to either be at the top or very close to it. My refusal to just be “ok” of course made things difficult. Couple regular course work with studying for the NKE with everything else? Dang-crazy. My argument is this-I’ve worked hard to pass the NKE, go back to school, finish it with Deans List honours and academic awards to boot…and yet, no one wants to hire me.
Lucky for me, a company did take me on as an intern in an HR capacity, so there is progress. It’s still a bit difficult for me since I’m still not exactly where I want to be, nor do I feel like I’m progressing…fast enough, but still, I’m further now than I was two years ago.
A funny thing happened. In the above post, I spoke about a guy I was dating. Let me tell you-this guy was MADE for me. Nobody could tell me NOTHING about him. He was cute, funny, charming, easy to talk to, easy to listen to…and most importantly, I just felt great when I was around him. Butterflies in my stomach were on 10 out of 10 every time I’d hear the special ringtone or text tone I had set special for him. I cared for him more deeply than I’ve cared for anyone in a long time. I hadn’t made an effort to get really close to anyone while I was dealing with dialysis, so meeting and hanging out with this guy made me feel so…brand new. We had an amazing and hilarious time together every single time.
Then, he left. He disappeared.
I had no idea what happened to him or why. He just…disappeared. I called, I emailed, I texted. Nothing. I didn’t know what to do, but I know how I felt. I felt like a piece of shit. How could I be so blind? Was there something in our relationship that I didn’t see? What was I missing? Why did he just up and leave me like that? Then ignore me?
I can’t even begin to describe how sad I was. I blamed myself. I went over every conversation we had in my mind with a fine tooth comb, thinking of all the things I should or shouldn’t have said. Heaven forbid someone should say something very simple and otherwise normal to me at that point in time-I would burst into tears. I was the definition of a basket case.
I never FULLY got over it. But then…a year later, he and I reconnected. We picked up where we left off, and everything was well in the world again. “Don’t do that to me again!” I exclaimed. “I won’t” he said happily.
Until..2 months later…he did the exact same thing. Again.
Fucking. Shattered. Even worse than before. And…so mad at myself. Mad that it happened again. I really believed things would be different this time-I really did with all of my heart.
They weren’t. What’s worse?
I prayed. I prayed for God to bring him back into my life because I simply could not see myself with anyone else. But that prayer fell on deaf ears.
He sent me a text to apologize. He can’t stop thinking about me. He wants to pick up where we left off. Again.
This is what I prayed for. I wanted him back. I was speechless because this isn’t want I thought would happen-I never expected to hear from him again. But I did. And here we were.
I took me a long time to really want to date again. I didn’t trust. In fact, I still have trouble. And yet, here I am, with him wanting to give it a go for a 3rd time.
I’m seeing someone else now. He makes me laugh, he has a good heart, he’s generous, and he gives good bear hugs.
In spite of the tears and disappointment, I will always hold him in my heart. I loved him. This is why it was so hard for me-I loved him SO much… and yet he was so easily able to walk away from me, never looking back. Even if I wasn’t dating someone…how can I go back to someone who admitted to me that he left me because of his own commitment issues? He said he has changed..do people change?
What I know is this-I’m sad. I’m sad that he left me like that in the first place, and I’m sad that I felt so…damaged after it happened.
I don’t know what the future holds, but right now I’m content with the gentleman that I’m with. We have a good time together and we both have a silly sense of humour. I think I’ll keep him for a while.
It’s crazy how things change, people change, and circumstances change. Who knows-maybe I’ll revisit this post again and I’ll have a job in HR and I’ll be announcing my engagement or something-who knows. I just hope that “luck”, if such a thing exists, gets a bit better for me moving forward.