I wish the “me” of 10 years ago could have a conversation with the “me” of today.
Let me tell you about the “me” of 10 years ago.
She was a strong woman who had been through a lot. High school was blur, as she spent a good deal of it in and out of the hospital. I don’t know how she did it, but she did.
She was fearless. She did what she wanted, and she didn’t put up with your crap, her crap, his crap, or anyone’s crap. She would cut you off at the drop of a dime. She would think of you after cutting you off…maybe once or twice. But that was it.
She handled her struggles with grace and courage. Life was unpredictable. She often went to sleep not knowing what news she would get the following day. In spite of that, she still “did her thing”. She went clubbing, to bars with her friends, and she met people. She maintained a decent level of self confidence, even though the high doses of prednisone altered her appearance. It didn’t matter- her personality and confidence shined through.
I wish I could invite her from the past, as a lot has changed. The old me wouldn’t cry 6 out of 7 days of the week, She wouldn’t be sad all the time. And if she did get sad, she would remove whatever it was in her life that was making her sad. Today’s me doesn’t do that. I don’t do that because I’m too scared to lose what I already have…even if it’s not the most positive thing. Does that even make sense?
I often wonder if certain things in life, for me, are simply just “not meant to be”. Maybe I’m having a hard time finding a job because…it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe my ability to have a nice, semi-normal life (whatever that means) is near impossible..because it just wasn’t meant to be. In Christianity, there is no such thing as a “previous life”. But, if they did/do exist, is it possible that I was a really, really shitty person back then, and I’m paying for it now?
Not EVERYTHING in life is shitty-of course not. I have amazing family and amazing friends. But, as I’ve mentioned in the past, there are major facets in life where I’m either failing or just beginning, and this makes me sad as hell.
It’s hard to get a “linkedin” notification showing all of the friends that you love and went to school with doing so well while you’re in the same place you were even before going to school. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for my friends and want them to do well..I just wish I was doing well too.
It’s hard to sign into facebook and see all of your beautiful friends with their beautiful families…knowing that you’re really nowhere near that point in your own life.
My life is difficult already-I have health issues to keep an eye on, which means multiple doctor visits, blood work, lab tests, etc. Why does it have to be even…harder? I wish the universe would give me a break for once…I’m already having a hard time here.