Hurting

I only just logged onto my blog today and saw all of the wonderful comments that were left on my last post. They honestly made me cry, and I really appreciate the fact that there are people out there, strangers in fact, who care so much that they would leave such kind comments. I really appreciate each of them. I also apologize for the recent collection of “not-so-uplifting” posts.

I suffered another setback. The gentleman that I was dating, as of last night/this morning, is no longer mine.

We had a beautiful dinner that he prepared while I performed sous chef duties. We watched a movie over dinner as time quickly passed. Before we knew it, it was almost 10:30pm. That was normally bedtime, as he has about an hour+ drive just to get to work in the morning. I had been feeling distance between us on and off, and I knew something was wrong. We were supposed to hang out this weekend, but he said he wasn’t feeling well.  I knew that wasn’t true.  I later learned that he just wanted to be at home..by himself…because he was down, and because he was scared.

I knew that he too was going through struggles as it relates to his career, family..life in general. I met him on a dating website online about 2 months ago. We had talked about removing our dating profiles a couple of times after we had dated for a while and figured out that we liked each other. But, I had noticed that he had never removed his profile…and in fact, signed into it quite frequently.

I asked him about it for the third time yesterday. He finally told me the truth-he wasn’t ready.

I was confused, as he was the one who pursued me, asked me out and continued to do so even though I blew him off a bit. He was the one who said he wanted to be in a relationship with me. He was the one who said he wanted us to move in together. He was the one who said he wanted us to go on vacation together in November. He was the one who talked about meeting my parents sooner rather than later. He was the one who caught me off guard when he used the “L” word as we dined by candlelight at a lovely quiet restaurant late one evening. He told me that he was a liar, and didn’t mean those things. He told me that he was a bad person, and he didn’t know why he did the things he did. I know that his experiences in the past with women haven’t been favourable ones, and he explained his fear to me as relates to commitment.

I knew his struggles-his ups and downs. His past unfavourable relationships, his “cons”. And still, I was wanting and willing to be there for him as he had been there for me. He would tell me that I was too good for him, and that I was too good for him. At first I thought it was cute, but as he continued to say it every so often, it troubled me.

He apologized.

As I layed there in bed, my head still on his shoulder in complete darkness, I cried quietly so he wouldn’t hear. I didn’t know what to say or do. I thought of getting up and going home, but it would be a long trek for me-at least 30 minutes by cab, or an hour and a half by public transit.  I wondered, again, why me? What is so terrible about me that relationship after relationship ends in the same (or similar) way? Commitment issues? I decided that I would just stay until the morning, and let him take me home. We shared a few words, as he tried to talk to me, make jokes, etc as we drove down the highway. I didn’t say much. I was stuck on the fact that his passenger side seatbelt smelled like women’s perfume- perfume that wasn’t mine.

It was what I read in his dating profile in the first place that attracted me to him. He spoke about being tired of being in relationships where he was the only one trying. He spoke about looking for someone who could share everything with, which would hopefully result in a long term relationship. Did he lie about that too? Did I “fall for it”?

Honestly-where did I go wrong?

..this sucks. Like…why me?  This. Sucks.