A-ha moment?

I may have had one of those the other day.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I wear my emotions on my face-there’s no hiding. Sometimes, when emotions are low, I can fake it. I can smile, I can laugh, and I can make believe. Other times, when I’m REALLY upset about something, my facial expressions as well as my overall attitude changes.

I was at work the other day and was so upset. I’m so upset that I was lied to, hurt…deliberately, and that I’m so upset that I’m so upset.

Nobody is perfect. But, I do feel that some of these relationships that I shed so many tears about, and these relationships that upset me so bad that I can often go an entire day without eating, or an entire day without getting out of bed about…are often not even that great.

When I’m with these guys, they treat me well.  They take care of me, they make me laugh. But, is it normal for someone to not text you back? Is it normal for someone to cancel plans on you at the last moment with no real reason? Is it normal for you to care so deeply for someone while they’re out there still searching for something you thought that the both of you already had?

One guy would simply not text or call me back when he said he would. He would often go days without messaging me. Once he went more than a week without messaging. And I took it.

Another guy, I knew he was out there, dating other girls, even though he had committed himself to me. Like…he wanted to do what he wanted to do, but didn’t want me out there meeting other people. Sometimes he would avoid or ignore me for a few hours a day. He would admit it sometimes-he’d say he was just having a bad day, or he was down, or depressed. I’d take it.

What is it about my self worth that I continue to accept bullshit like that? Why am I so afraid to speak up?

Well, someone figured it out for me the other day. I kind of knew…in the back of my head. But the fact that someone ELSE could read me like that caused me to immediately break down into tears.

What is it about me/my self worth that I feel I have to put up with garbage? Well, it’s because I, quite frankly, feel damaged.

I’m a woman with a chronic illness. I thank God for the blessing I received in terms of having received a kidney transplant, but that by no means is a “cure” or anything-it’s a treatment.  There have been times that I’ve been admitted to the hospital for days, sometimes weeks. There have been times where I have been so tired that I could barely CRAWL from my bed to my washroom/en suite. Yes, I have a bathroom right in my bedroom that is barely one step away from my bed. Sometimes it’s hard.  I’m a woman whose body has been marred by the knives of surgeons, with one major scar being from my kidney transplant, and other scars from my perforated bowel. I feel much better about the latter scar now that it has been revised. But, no amount of plastic surgery/scar revision surgery can “fix”. It can make you feel better about yourself-sure…but it can’t “fix” you.

That said, when I find a guy, a half decent guy, who is willing to give me the time of day after I have told him just a fraction of the things that are “wrong” with me and he doesn’t run in the other direction…I had better hold on for dear life. I feel so “damaged” that I perhaps don’t feel like I have the…”right” to comment about how I’m being treated, or what you did to make me mad/upset.  I feel like crying 3 out of 7 days of the week over my wonderful relationship, while not normal, is just what I have to do if I don’t want this guy to leave me.

Why.

I’m still..so sad. Rejection kills me, especially since I try SO hard to NOT be rejected, and perhaps it is in that “trying” that is causing these “rejections” in the first place.  This last situation in particular really did a number on me. It hurts to be told that you are loved, and let’s get a place together…to have a discussion about your future kids, hell, to even be asked if you were willing to move across the country, as a job opportunity for him came up. Guess what? I thought long and hard about it…and was actually considering it.

I went to a wedding this past weekend, He was supposed to be my date. I can’t tell you how overwhelming…sad I was. There was an empty seat at my table-it was for him.  It was so humiliating for me to have RSVP’d as just one, then contact the bride to ask if it was ok to bring a date…then just a few weeks before the wedding, contact the bride AGAIN to tell her to remove my previous RSVP, and that I was coming alone.  My two boys at my table, especially Matt, said the nicest things to me as he knew that I was feeling extremely low. Everything he said was just…right. He told me how I had impacted HIS life by helping him “come out of his shell” and be less shy, especially on the dancefloor.  He told me what an amazing person I am, and how hot I looked that night. In fact, it got overwhelming and I had to excuse myself to go to the restroom to ball my eyes out-both at his sweetness and at my sadness. In the end, I still had a great night-the venue was beautiful…but I couldn’t help but wonder how much…MORE amazing my night would have been if he was at my side.

What an idiot.

I don’t know what to do in order to try and…attract the right person. I avoided dating for so long-nearly 9 years, because I didn’t feel I was ready to devote myself to someone else. After that period ended and I was all healed from my kidney transplant, I felt ready. I felt comfortable.

Why does it have to be so…hard?