Yes, you read that right. This blog entry will be about my vagina.

It started a few months ago when I went to see my gynecologist for a regular Pap smear. Like every other woman I know, I very much looked forward to getting my pap done (insert eye rolling “yeah right” face here”). My first pap occurred way too late in life-I was probably 25. And after that less than pleasant experience, I’ll admit-I haven’t been getting my check ups regularly. However, within the last couple of years, I’ve learned how to “remain as calm and comfortable as possible” until it’s all done and over with. For this reason, getting my check ups are no longer a form of medieval torture for me.

Anyhow, I had gotten my regular pap done, and my gynecologist advised me that my pap came up as “irregular”, so I was referred to a specialist. I received my appointment and soon learned that I’d be having a colposcopy, aka we’re gonna examine your inner lady parts very closely.

Fast forward to the day of my appointment. I contemplated taking a couple of extra strength tylenols in order to take the edge off. You know, the feeling of a speculum slowly cranking you open. But, I figured…I’m a strong girl! I don’t need drugs! So I marched into the exam room once I was called and sat down to chat with the nurse (if I’m being honest…I actually forgot to take the Tylenol and by the time i realized it, it was too late).

The nurse asked me the standard questions and then let me know what to expect. Behind a curtain in the same room was an exam table with stirrups, a long instrument that resembles a snake used to unclog drains, and a tv screen. Phew-at least they’ll let me watch tv while they do this.

No. That’s not what the tv was for.

The doctor came in-she was very friendly and explained everything that was going to happen. “I’m scared” I told her, half embarrassed. She told me not to worry, and she would be gentle. Mind you, we are having this discussion with my unclothed from the waist down, legs in stirrups self.
“Slide your bum down toward me” said the doctor-so I did.
“More” she said. So I did.
“More” she said. I inched even further.
“More…” she said.

Ok really what the hell! My ass was already very close to the cliff of the exam table, and I wasn’t interested in falling off the table, as based on the current position of my body..I’d have fallen off with both my legs and arms in the air and would end up looking like a folded lawn chair.

I inched one more time-finally far enough.

I won’t get into the details of me holding my hands together and squeezing them to get over the awkward and somewhat uncomfortable feeling of “the crank open”.

“Ok-look to your left at the tv!” said the doctor. Oh finally-I can watch some tv now. “I wonder if they have CP24?” I wondered to myself.

You guessed it-they didn’t have CP24. What I saw on the tv was my cervix and freakin’ uterus! That snake thing had a camera on the end…I knew I would soon learn the purpose of that thing. Well, this is interesting.

I have to say-the scariest part was when the doctor did a biopsy and took a sample of a small part of my cervix. Everything is magnified times a kabillion, and therefore a small speck looks the size of a melon. First she squirted some sort of vinegar typed fluid which would make any irregularities visible. Then, she took the biopsy and of course the part she snipped at started to bleed. She told me that it was very highly magnified and this was literally a very small bit of blood…but I didn’t really hear her as I immediately began to feel faint due to what I perceived to be massive blood loss in my cervical area. I snapped out of it quickly. She used some brown fluid stuff on a piece of gauze and put it on the biopsy spot-she was it was to help stop the bleeding. I was given a pad to wear and was sent on my way. Much to my dismay, days later, I began to excrete what I’m assuming were small pieces of gauze.

The biopsy was only mildly irregular, so I will continue to get checked by this very kind doctor. In fact, my most recent appointment was just this past Thursday…and you won’t believe what happened then.

Stay tuned…

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